Dark Souls Babe to Dark Lord Part 4

Mar. 19, 2014

Dark Souls Babe to Dark Lord Part 4

Part 4: Amazing Chest Ahead…

Last time in Dark Souls Babe to Dark Lord!! I made a terrible mistake! Capra wasn’t fun! Gaping scared the cuss out of me! And now i’m staring into the mouth of Hell itself! JOY!

Iwas actually quite afraid to enter this Town of Blight. I mean, LOOK AT IT. You go through the door, and all light goes away, like a black hole that sucks up happiness. Depression hole. And then you’re just met by a giant well to your death. Joy to the world, I’ve gone insane.

I’ve heard that many people assumed Blighttown was a nice place. A hub to find later in the game that would hold most of the higher-class NPCs. I was never under that impression. I mean, BLIGHT town, as in town of disease. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to run into some slightly cough-y NPCs saying, “Hey, traveler! Welcome to Blighttown bath and spa!” NO. Instead I ran into a crudely made shanty filled with diseased weirdos. Seems about right…

So I go down the stairs, and proceed cautiously until I find my first enemy. (I’d say he’s the first thing in this game that rightly deserved the term “fatty”) I’m dancing with this thing, and then the ground says, “Dude, you realize i’m only like a meter apart, right?”

“What was that? I can’t hear you over the soundof my inevitabledeath comingcloser and closer.“

Well cuss. Turns out there’s basically no room to fight this thing. Oh well. Fifth times the charm. And it was. I was so glad that I (managed to get it to fall off the edge) killed it that I barely even noticed that there was another one, not four meters past the first one. Thank you, From.

So It died, and i’m super proud of myself, because I actually killed this one this time. Then the next new enemy type appeared. Smaller diseased things, that I associate with Mole Rats in my brain. There were three of them, which was two too many for me, so I did the only logical thing. I jumped onto the platform below, where the glowy was located.

What did I find when I got there? I found three friendly chums who decided to invite me in on their tea-time. We sat down, laughed, and talked about our feelings. One was a small lad, just out of high school, trying to find a job in the city. The other two were brothers who bought a house together, who were also trying to build a new business. I told them of my tale of how I got out of jail recently, and I was trying to right my previous wrongs. They asked me what I had done, and I told them I was suffering from the undead curse. They said they were as well and we all engaged in awkward high-fives. But soon, I had to leave, and they all wished me good luck in finding whatever it was I was looking for. Then I killed them and took their glowy, because i’m a rebel.

So it turns out they aren’t as scary as previously imagined. That’s fine by me because this place is FILLED with them. Eventually, after searching every Tom nook and cranny, I find the bonbon.

I had a special connection to that bonbon. In an area so absolutely terrifying, it was nice to find a light in the darkness. Like taking a match into a cave. A cave that’s filled with death and has a poison swamp bottom, because that’s a nice addition to the cave’s design. Really ups its retail value.

So to the side were some new enemies that loved breathing fire, followed by a huge area of happy fun times. (“What the cuss is that Tentacle zit?”) Upon coming up to my first hole in the wall, I am reintroduced to the Fatty. “Miss me?” he quipped. (In reality, he kinda just roared) “Well, if you call incredible relief that I would never have to look at your god awful face missing you, you could say that.”

Two deaths later, I learned something about this monster. If you walk to the right side of the ramp leading upward, he’ll clip between the ramp and the ground, leaving him (slightly) defenseless. Bingo. I reiterate my victory with some saucy Point Forwards, and finish him off with no trouble. Resisting the urge to make an Another Brick in the Wall pun, I move forward, feeling less than chipper. Why not chipper? Because bad things have always happened after I felt chipper, and speak of the devil! Giant fire breathing bugs!! WHY NOT?!?

Turns out they weren’t that big of a deal, but that swamp… that might be a big deal.

So I went down to the bottom, staring this swamp in its ugly face. “There’s got to be some drawback to this, there’s no way it’s just a swamp…” and it wasn’t. Some bar immediately started filling at an uncalming rate, prompting me to run out of the goop. “CRAP! From can’t make me go through that! There’s got to be some other way! I must have missed something.” Thus began an hour and a half of me running up and down the shanties, looking for something that would allow me to traverse the swamp without danger. Turns out, From just wants you to go through the swamp. Okay….

I move through the swamp, taking poison damage, as From intended. These god forsaken mosquitoes keep trying to kill me, and these aren’t your average mosquitoes. These are moROIDoes. Swatting them away with my Halberd, I found my sanctuary. The second bonbon. THANK (insert religious deity of chioice in all caps), A BONBON.

I took refuge in that tiny room, not daring go back into the poisonous abyss. Instead, I traveled upward, towards the chain of messages. “Tough enemy ahead, Enemy ahead, Try shield…, what the balls?” I feared the worst, and walked in slowly, shield raised. When I walked in, I found a chest. I looked above, and didn’t see much. About 5 meters up, vision stopped, turning to complete black. “Okay, is something going to ambush me from up there??” I opened the chest, expecting a huge enemy to drop from above, and quickly collected the Dragon Scale inside the chest.

…

What, nothing? Alright, I guess I have no problem with that. Whateves.

So I moved back down to the bottom of the chamber, restored my humanity, and decided I should probably make some progress. So I walked out, killed some more demon bugs, and continued onward until I- Maneater Mildred has Invaded! Oh, gooooooooooood.

Honestly, I read it more like

Maneater Mildred has come

totake everythingyou’ve

known and loved and shred it

in awood chipper, then

promptly barbecue

yourrecently smoothed face

So I ran back to the hole, tearing through my inventory for some buffs. It is here that I found my purple moss clumps, which I acquired from my stint with the Moonlight Butterfly. I shove one into my face, which strangely stops the poison. It is at this time that I saw Mildred approaching from the swamp. Halberd ready, I backed up, giving us ample room for a beautiful ballroom dance. She swings her cleaver, (cleavage joke in sight) which I avoided easily. I then began the most honourable poking of Mildred until she died from it. Hmm, it was almost as if the message should have said:

Maneater Mildred made a

mistake

So yeah. It took me making this series to realize those messages from earlier were referring to Mildred. People had trouble with her? She was a joke, to ME even! Weird how some find can find something so easy, and others extremely hard. (Just you wait. I’ll take this message back later)

I went out of the hole, this time doing what I knew I was to do. Which was most definitely going up the elevator. Because there was not a giant spider’s nest in the corner of the map. Nope. Just this elevator. Nothing else. Nadda. Nothing.

So I climbed upward, and there’s not much to say about the way up. Just two things:

2.) Across from the tree bridge, there’s a chest and a body holding Crimson robes and a Tin Banishment catalyst. If you’ve ever visited Ingward, you’ll hear him tell of one Keeper of the Seal leaving their post to help in Blighttown. So yeah. That’s her dead body. The best way to honour her memory is to strip her naked and wear her clothes, right? Of course it is. Don’t judge me.

So when I made it to the top, I once again had to fight the Fatties. I can’t remember if there were two or three, but I did kill them all in one try this time. As I proceeded, I was once again tricked by the messages laying around, warning of tough enemies ahead. I moved forward into the light I missed so very much, and saw what I really didn’t want to see. “Valley of the Drakes” Well, cuss. There’s a boss I’ve missed somewhere. And on another note, Drakes? As in Dragons? I’m not going to enjoy going back here.

I moved back down to the swamp, taking some shortcuts that, I will admit, sometimes led to my death. Once I returned to the swampy bonbon, I consulted the Wiki. And guess which wiki I consulted?? Completely on accident, I went ontohttps://darksouls.wiki.fextralife.com/Dark+Souls+Wiki. Yeah, that’s right. I linked it. You guys need to look at it again. For old time’s sake. You better. Did you do it? I’m not going on until you did.

You better have. I wanted to insert a break, where the words would be held inside the break, and you couldn’t go on unless you did open the page (or just clicked the break), but I can’t figure out how, so I’ll let you guys slide. This time. (And every time after until I figure out how)

So I found out that giant Nest in the corner was where I should actually go, and that it was also protected by fatties with boulders. Good to know.

I set out to Queenlaag’s (Queenlaggs?), taking one giant curve to avoid the boulder fatties, and found that this strategy worked. Shoving moss into my face, I walked in. I didn’t ruin Queenlaag for myself, so I didn’t know that her chambers were essentially a Spider’s nest. When I walked in, I took it slow. I was at the time, suffering from Arachnophobia, so I really wasn’t enjoying going in there. (I was suffering from Arachnophobia AT THE TIME because I got over it later. And the help of some great friends, and their “therapy.” It was the funnest, and scariest, weekend ever) Two eternally praying dudes lay on the ground, I assumed were praying to the boss of the area. Before I entered, I saw the sign of Maneater Mildred. “Hello, Mildred. I was told you’re worth using on the boss. Let’s hope they’re right, because your first impression was filthy.”

Enter stage left. I scour the stage, looking for my enemy. And their it is.

“Oh, cuss. Oh, cuss! Oh balls. Crap, crap crap. A fire spider, really?! I did not sign up for-oh. Oh. Well, it’s definitely a she. Mm. I don’t know how to feel about this. See title, I guess.”

Mildred was quicker than I was, charging into battle. Typical AI. I really should’ve brought an actual dude.

So the battles going well; I managed to get her health down to half and shtuff, and most of it was even caused by me! But then, as i’m backing out to heal from one of her red aura attacks, she pounces on me. Woah, baby. Insert sexist joke here.

So I try again, this time, with help from humans. Gotta feed my addiction, know what I’m sayin’? So I walk in, one dude who looks thief-y, and the other’s Mildred. What could go wrong?

This is the part where you expect that my underlying sarcasm from the previous sentence will lead to something bad happening. Well, NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. Have a little faith in me, jeez.

“Onward! To the bell!” The bell rang forth, filling the land with sweet, sweet jams, despite being more than a couple hundred meters underground. And when it did, the giants sprung to action, pulling those chains. Why are they pulling those chains? Why is it that double bells ringing gives those giants a “hankerin’” for chain pulling? And why are these giants even at Sen’s in the first place? I don’t know, I didn’t make the game. All I knew was that my objective lay upwards, near the corpse of Andrei. By the old roost of Seigmeyer.

Sen’s Fortress

Will Superdude8 find the source of that stench and the snoring that Crestfallen’s obsessed with?

Will Superdude8 breeze through Sen’s like it’s no big deal? (Obviously)

Will Superdude8 experience the wrath of Black.

Iron.

TAAARKUUUUUS??!?

Stay Tuned!!

Cast

Fatty=Fatty (What’s it name, again? Diseased Brute?)Mole Rats=Diseased HallowsThree friendly chums=Bradley Abernathy, Steve Gillenwater, and Frederick Cumbatch the Diseased HallowsOkay.. honestly, I do not know that names of these enemies. I’m not writing them down, okay?

Fire Spider=Queenlaag

Continue the series