Eat Krow: Frosty The Snowman
Dec. 10, 2014Eat Krow: Frosty The Snowman
Skarekrow13 was born with a rare gift:
To annoy the crap out of his loved ones with observations during their favorite movies and shows, completely sucking the fun out of the moment (for them, I find myself amusing). Thanks to the “magic” of the internet, this can now be brought directly to your eyeballs! In this (possible) series of articles, I’ll try my best to tear down the things many of you love as well. Hurray?!?
Unless of course this is as bad of an idea as I’ve been frequently told it is. I should also point out that I usually enjoy the things I’m about to destroy. I just like giggling at the gaping holes too.
Frosty the Snowman, a Rankin and Bass classic animated TV special has been delighting children and adults alike since 1969 (if the internet is to be trusted with research).
That ends now.
Frosty the Snowman (the animated thing) is based off of the song of the same name. I don’t need to cover much of the song, but it’s worth mentioning as song lyrics are often vague. This allowed for the writers to fill in a lot of blanks as creatively as they wished and make this story something special. Like the kids finding an old silk hat. While we know “there must have been some magic” in it, the song gives few details on its origin.
The writers were provided with a golden opportunity to delve into this part of the story. The animated special attempts to provide some backstory to the hat through the character of Professor Hinkle, the oft-terrible magician who had no idea what enchantments his headwear was capable of. And this is how we come to the most fundamental flaw in the movie, the one which should shorten the 25 minute cartoon to about 5 or so.
As you may recall, fed up with his inability to perform illusions for the schoolchildren, Professor Hinkle casts the hat aside toward the garbage can. Immediately after this, the bell rings. All of the children are racing out to play in the “Christmas Snow” which is somehow more special than regular frozen water. After building and naming their (currently inanimate) snowman “Frosty” we see Professor Hinkle chasing his hat. Chasing as a result of his pet rabbit hopping around with it. The hat is whisked away by the wind and grabbed by Karen, soon to be the greatest advocate for Snowmen rights in the history of Snowmankind. Except she’s a thief. A wicked, evil, despicable hat thief. Karen places the hat on Frosty’s head and…well, you know the next part. But here’s the kicker, she insists the hat was thrown away and is now Frosty’s. No one claimed the hat following Hinkle casting it aside. No one until Hinkle himself tries to that is. Remember that Hinkle was chasing the hat and in the process of reclaiming it . Now I know what you’re thinking, it’s possible he was chasing after the rabbit and I agree that it’s possible. However there’s no direct evidence of this and it’s a safe bet most judges would rule in favor of Hinkle on this one. Hinkle was attempting to reclaim his rabbit and hat and Karen had no right to take it and place it on the children’s snowman.
Karen’s a dirtbag.
This injustice is further aggravated when Santa coerces Hinkle into giving up the hat at the end of the show. Would it be nice if Hinkle gave the hat to Frosty after seeing him come to life? Sure. I can see Santa wanting to put Hinkle on the naughty list for denying a sentient creature its existence. But by making an ultimatum on it (give the hat to Frosty or no presents again ever), Santa is ruling in favor of petit larceny.
Santa also asks Hinkle to write an apology to Frosty a “hundred zillion times” to be free of the naughty list. Assuming a “reasonable” number of a mere billion times and an insanely fast rate of one apology per second, that’s over 31 years of apology writing. With Santa’s actual decree of a hundred zillion he’s effectively sentenced Hinkle to death by apology. Way to go Santa.
Anyway, following the hat theft, the children and Frosty are on their way to laugh and play. And coerce a police officer that jaywalking for newly sentient snowpersons is fine. Karen (again, surprise surprise) convinces the cop to let Frosty off with a warning for ignoring the officer’s signal and walking into traffic. This is despite the pile of children who should know the rules. Ok, maybe Frosty didn’t know any better, but the gang of hat thieves (they’re all accomplices) should look out for each other better. I guess marching is more important than “not getting hit by a car.”
Further plot points continue to highlight the slapdash storytelling. To escape from Hinkle, Frosty volunteers to be a sled for Karen down a large hill. The narrator explains that Frosty is the best “belly whopper” in the world as he was “made of snow himself.” Did I hear that right? Frosty is super fast as a sled because he’s made of snow? If I were asked to design a sled with the goal in mind of it being “godawful” I would perhaps choose snow or a snow man. I could go into a discussion oncapillary actionand other sciencey stuff but anyone who has set foot in snow knows that it likes to stick to itself, not slide. It’s possible they could use Frosty as a method to get down the hill fast. He’d have to be rolling rather than sliding though.
R.I.P. Karen.
And these are just two of the biggest problems surrounding this tale of theft, running away and attempted murder (that one’s on Hinkle, the naughty list might be appropriate).
Go see for yourself what I mean this holiday season and look for the many issues this animated classic has in store.
Like the crazy spike in the temperature (which might explain why none of the children seem to need pants).
Or the unexplored insanity of the woodland animals who display at various points; the ability to use tools, understand the English language and problem solving skills*. How many questions does this open up? Are there animals who make weapons and hunt humans? This has serious ramifications Rankin and Bass! I mean come on, the critters built fire, worked as a team across species and created or obtained holiday ornaments to decorate with (and it’s just weird they recognize holidays and celebrate). These animals worked to help Karen but once one goes rogue the humans of that world are in deep s**t. Who cares who owns the freakin’ hat, they should be preparing for the inevitable squirrelpocalypse.
NEXT UP: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
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