Eat Krow: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Dec. 25, 2014Eat Krow: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Skarekrow13 was born with a rare gift:
To annoy the crap out of his loved ones with observations during their favorite movies and shows, completely sucking the fun out of the moment (for them, I find myself amusing). Thanks to the “magic” of the internet, this can now be brought directly to your eyeballs as I try my best to tear down the things many of you love as well. Hurray?!?
Rudolph with your nose so bright, find a decent movie to be in tonight…♪
This tale (we’re talking the stop motion Rankin and Bass special) gets preposterous pretty much right from the get go thanks to one of the most stupid questions of all time via song (the song is not the fault of Rankin and Bass but they perpetuate this BS).
“You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and VixenComet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen,But do you recall?The most famous reindeer of all?”
The song assumes we all know Dasher through Blitzen, then proceeds to ask if we perhaps stumbled upon THE MOST ****ING FAMOUS REINDEER OF ALL! I repeat, the MOST ****ING FAMOUS!!! Why yes, we all know the B-Team by heart but please refresh my memory on Rudolph. For real world celebrities the song would go something like…
“You knowJoseph, andFrankieandBrianand etc.
But do you recall, the most famous actor of all?”
And the answer is like Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise or something. Then the listener is like, “yeah, I know who that is.” And then you stop singing because clearly the listener doesn’t need any more back story via song. Then they’re probably all like “But who the **** is Brian Doyle-Murray? Why don’t you have a song to tell me about him. That’d be helpful.”
Caddyshackis awesome.
The plot doesn’t improve anything. The story of Rudolph is one primarily of intolerance and bigotry. Rudolph is a reindeer unfortunate enough to have been born with a cosmetic genetic mutation. Not only does this bring into question the ecological impact of Santa’s workshop, it leads to the premise of the stop motion special:
Adult reindeer are assholes and Santa Claus is kind of a dick.
Rudolph is immediately shunned by his dad, Donner. His mother silently allows the abuse to continue. Santa comes in, acknowledges Rudolph as looking like a good candidate to make the team someday. Then Santa notices the shiny red nose. In fact he’d even say it glows. Suddenly Rudolph’s entire future is in doubt as Santa demands that Rudy’s pops Donner do something about the blinkin’ beacon. Which he does by making a cover out of dirt.
After ensuring that Rudolph is ashamed of his difference and convincing him to hide it, it’s time for him to join the other young bucks in learning to fly, cracking wise and checking out the ladies. After being told he’s cute, Rudolph is so impressive in his flying ability that the instructor is taken aback. Then the nose cover pops off, the shininess is revealed and the only result that makes sense occurs. The adult supervising this whole thing makes fun of Rudolph, encourages the children to do so too and then makes sure the entire group knows Rudolph is no longer welcome there. So much for a merit based sleigh team.
And oh yeah, the one deer still OK with Rudolph is then told by her dad that she shouldn’t have contact with him. Mixed relationships are not fine at the North Pole.
Rudolph is soon joined by Hermey the misfit elf and they run off together. Hermey’s story is similarly terrible. Uninterested in toys and dreaming of dentistry, he is told that he’ll be fired if he doesn’t finish his toys. So we’re clear on this, the plan to punish the guy who hates making toys is to…tell him he can’t come to his toy making job anymore? Uh huh…
And how crazy is it that practical professions to keep their population healthy are shunned? Great society elves. Keep up the good work.
Let’s fast forward this some. They meet up with Yukon Cornelius, avoid a Bumble and find an Island of Misfit Toys. This raises some rather cruel questions, like “who made these crazy toys no one wants?” Was it Santa and the elves? Did they deliberately create toys that would go unloved? Perhaps some evil corporation made them, but why couldn’t that flying lion go tell Santa about the toys himself? It’s not like it’s that far. And lastly, when Santa is delivering them he drops off all the misfit toys first (all in a row) and they’re not wrapped. If I understand their discussion, only a rare child would love a misfit toy. What are the chances then that all of these statistically anomalous children are all in the same geographic region? The safe bet is that Santa’s just dumping them off in the Arctic Ocean to get rid of their sorry asses.
So then some other stuff happens and Rudolph’s parents and Clarice eventually think it might be worth looking for him and get captured by the Bumble. Rudolph (the valiant lad) tries to save the lot and is soundly “You Defeated” by the Bumble. Hermey and Yukon Cornelius come to the rescue and make the only good decision in the entire special, which is to use a boulder to take out the Bumble. I’ve heard others criticize Ol’ Yukon for not shooting him, but with the bounciness of Bumbles (which he was aware of) it might not be wise. A boulder would cause a bit more harm too, and even with that the Bumble isn’t down for long. Here’s where things get stupid again though…
Hermey uses his power of dentistry to remove the Bumble’s teeth. This makes him harmless right? Uh, no. While he does a lot to intimidate the group, he never actually tried to bite any of them. When he takes out Rudolph, he rips a stalactite from the cave and smashes his face in with it. Removing the Bumble’s teeth would not exactly prevent a similar situation in the future. He’s assisting with the star on that tree for now, but the first time he sees a weapon the North Pole will be covered in elf blood.
The happy ending occurs when Santa admits he might have been a little hard on Rudolph. Then when the storm hits, Santa knows who to count on and goes right to his new main man with the shiny nose. Oh, if only that were true. Instead, the storm hits and he goes to tell everyone Christmas is cancelled. Santa sees Rudolph’s nose glowing and, right after he said he’d start treating him better, is about to rip into Rudolph again. Then it clicks that he can use the nose to his advantage, and poor sweet Rudolph is unaware that Santa is only looking out for his own image.
The credits roll and we all go to bed, secure in our knowledge that the North Pole is truly a magical place.
skarekrow13
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Loved it, the Rankin Bass special was always so bewildering to me when I was a kid because of the stop motion and the logic. Seeing this get’s my holiday spirit smiling.
Lol, thanks. I try to have a healthy dose of “are you ****ing kidding me?” in the tone.
Haha. Such a good read Skare. I loled the whole way through. I could here the “rantyness” in your typing as I was reading it.
Cas
wow that was good
I never cared about these specials, but oh I remember how crappy it was even for a kid, that would be ok if they didn’t put this EVERY year, and right after it, Home Alone: Lost in New York, AGAIN
