Eat Krow: Star Wars

Dec. 16, 2015

Eat Krow: Star Wars

Eat Krow: Star Wars

Skarekrow13 was born with a rare gift:

To annoy the crap out of his loved ones with observations during their favorite things, completely sucking the fun out of the moment (for them, I find myself amusing). Thanks to the “magic” of the internet, this can now be brought directly to your eyeballs. Behold as I try my best to tear down the things many of you love as well. Hurray?!?

First I need to acknowledge something I laid out in the very beginning of thisseries(last year). A lot of the things I rip on, I’m a fan of. As stupid as Frosty and Rudolph are, there’s still plenty of charm. Even if Santa is a bigot. That applies more than ever here, as I’m a hugeStar Warsfan. But…

Star Warshas a lot of easy targets for critics. Dialogue. Casting (particularly in Episodes I-III). Acting. As in, “performances SOOOO BAD that they tarnish the legacy of a mass child murderer.” Acting performances SOOOO bad that I refuse to name the person I’m talking about and will refer to him henceforth as “The Actor.” Notice the quotation marks on that. F*** you Anakin! To make myself perfectly clear, I’m saying “The Actor” gave a performance that was SOOOO terrible, it tarnishes the legacy of a guy who (face to face mind you) performed mass homicide of children. So with the cheap shots off the table, let’s take some time to rant about one of the best sci-fi series of all time because, *u** you too George Lucas. AND your editing “The Actor” into the end ofReturn of the Jedi.

First I want to rip a little on fans who think they’re hot stuff with their “fan theories.” Only my theories lead to the status of “hot stuff,” got it? Anyway, I saw one recently that proclaimed Jar Jar was behind the scenes as the real villain. Honestly, it made a ton of sense as laid out, especially with Lucas saying that Binksy Binks is his favorite character. I would love for this to be true, but since there’s minor details missing between III and IV like “how Palpatine wrested control from Jar Jar” I’m not inclined to believe it. I also don’t have confidence in Lucas being that clever. This is too bad, because the universe still needs to give me an explanation on Gungans. I mean seriously, what the *c? At least Ewoks were marketable.

One fan theory that got me chuckling was this long and (admittedly well written) piece about how the Jedi are actually evil and the Sith are perhaps in the right. Some great analysis but there’s one gaping problem with this “fan theory.”

Episodes I-III essentially shove the premise of a corrupted Jedi council in your face. Let’s recap. Qui Gon is super respected and supposed to be captain awesome/candidate for the council and he’s basically all “Nah, I’m good.” If one of the wisest and most respected of your order tells you to take your council and shove it, you know something ain’t quite right. Then he directly questions the wisdom of the council regarding Anakin (not that they weren’t sorta right in this case, but it shows how little he respects their opinion). This is followed by Obi-Wan questioning the same thing. Later Anakin questions the council. Then Palpatine uses this distrust between Jedi to have an easy advantage to sway Anakin to the dark. Don’t forget the council basically botches who they needed to worry about. On and on. So yeah, great “fan theory” on how the Jedi aren’t all that and a bag of chips. It’s unfortunate that this “theory” is also known as “The Plot.” Not that I would go so far as to say the Jedi are evil, Sith are good, dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria! I just think it’s painfully obvious that Lucas is conveying a fair share of “imperfections” regarding the Jedi to put it nicely.

Speaking of the plot I’m gonna break character here and give Lucas tons of credit for the overarching story with Anakin/Vader. I’ve always loved the Jedi fascination with (and misinterpretation of) their greatest prophecy. Here’s some dialogue I made up…

Literally any Jedi because their school taught them things that are stupid and wrong: “WAAAAH…there’s too many Sith and dark sides and such. We really need this chosen one to bring balance to the force…WAAAAH”

The Force: “You know there’s like TWO Sith at any given time and a whole damn army of Jedi right?”

Whiny Jedi: “Waaaah…we don’t like red lightsabers. Girlfriends are bad.”

The Force: “You want balance…alright…you got it. Hey Anakin!”

Then Anakin murders a crap ton of kids who were Jedi hopefuls, launches a war on the other Jedi and leaves us with: Yoda and Obi Wan on one side, The Emperor and Vader on the other.

Yup, looks pretty balanced to me. Jedi, aka “dumbasses who really aren’t very good at counting.”

So now that I’ve given my number one reason for still liking the movies (terrible Pod Races and all), let’s end on one of the worst things in the entire series. The Force. Best I can tell, The Force is either cruelty or apathy incarnate, and hardly something to base a religion/noble order on.

Let’s examine Anakin to see what I mean. Earlier I casually referenced his merciless slaughtering of children. As Darth Vader, he then goes on to live a long life of murder, genocide, and not refilling ice trays when he’s used the last cube. The end result of this is his total ascension and oneness with the universe. Y’know, the highest reward according to followers of the Force that puts him on the same pedestal as Yoda and Obi-Wan. As is hinted at (or possibly flat out told to us) the Force is believed to guide and direct existence to some extent (kinda crapping on free will a bit here). If this is true, then this means the reward for Vader’s life of unspeakable evil is INTENTIONAL. Let that sink in. His life, on the whole, has very obviously not been one of virtue. I know he helps end the Empire’s reign. And Anakin did some decent stuff in his day and was a swell guy (if only “The Actor” hadn’t ruined it all). But there’s NO WAY he should be rewarded on the same level as Kenobi! Love me some Kenobi!

Skare, you’re missing the point though, you ugly jerk. By seeing Luke become the Skywalker he was destined to be, and helping to destroy the Emperor he attained peace with himself. It was through his own serenity and mastery of the Force that he ascended.

THAT’S EVEN WORSE!!! Three exclamation points worse even.

Let’s come back to this again. Anakin takes a weapon made of plasma. He makes a visit to the Academy and the Younglings. Children. And not just children. Ones he maybe knew. Ones that almost assuredly looked up to him. He was their HERO. He cuts them down ONE by ONE. Staring at each child as he snuffs out their inner light. I know this is getting pretty dark here, but I think we need to truly understand the gravity of this scene. Now think, that’s only the START of his evil. So then, we’re to believe that his force switch flips from dark to light again at the end of his life, and he finds peace with himself and ascends. I have news for anyone thinking that this is poetic. Many of the worst killers and villains in history were at peace with themselves because a lot of times they convince themselves of their righteousness. If peace of mind and mastery of the force are the two elements to the ultimate force ability (being a sweet blue ghost), it’s a safe bet there’s some pretty big meanies keeping Ol’ Yoda and Obi-Wan company. I can’t wait forStar Wars Episode X: Ghost Royal Rumble.And let’s truly examine this plot point. No matter what you do in life, if you’re powerful enough and cool with your own actions, you’ll be rewarded.

At best…at BEST…I’ll say that the Force is completely apathetic and the entire concept of morality in theStar Warsuniverse is therefore a farce. Back to that fan theory I ripped on, maybe I’d go so far as to say the Sith understand the nature of The Force better than the Jedi.

Alright so I lied, that wasn’t the end. I pretty much gotta address cheap deaths because, holy shit there’s some bad ones.

Ok, ok…I took one easy shot.